[xxxHolic][Fic] The Great Defeat

[popkin16]

Inspired by a conversation with anyjen  about where Doumeki keeps that egg, seeing as it needs to be "close by him". Pockets are an obvious choice, but I've never seen him with any and it's funnier this way.

xxxHolic
Title: The Great Defeat
Genre: CRACK, romance.
Pairing: Doumeki/Watanuki.
Rating: Safe For Work. I think.
Word Count: 759
Summary: Doumeki knows it's time.

Instinctively, Doumeki knew: it was time to put the egg to good use.

To his right stood the group of strangers. The tall one in black watched Doumeki closely, though the boy knew that if the dangerous man with the ugly sideburns in front of him so much as twitched, the man in black would notice. The blond next to him had a small smile curling his lips -- he looked dangerous, almost cruel, as he watched the man with the sideburns. The one Watanuki had called Syaoran was clutching the girl to him, his face dirty and cut. He looked nervous, worried, but made no move to leave the girl's side.

To his left, Watanuki flailed. It was his best flailing yet, his whole body shaking as the arms flung about, one moment making windmill motions, the next randomly waving. His feet danced upon the ground, and Doumeki idly thought that he'd make a good tap-dancer.

"HURRY UP YOU IDIOT THERE'S NO TIME--"

"Hn," Doumeki responded. If he wanted to keep his hearing, he'd better get to it. The tall teenager reached down and unbuttoned his pants. The sideburns-man raised an eyebrow, and to his right the young boy gasped and made an aborted movement to cover the girls eyes, despite her lack of consciousness. The blond's smile changed from bloodthirsty to amused, and he murmured, "Oh my." A vein popped in the dark man's forehead.

Doumeki took this in as he unzipped his pants, and calmly slid his hands inside. To his left, Watanuki made a choking noise. A quick glance his way showed Watanuki turning a funny shade of red. His mouth was open and his lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. His eyes were fixed on Doumeki's midsection. The tall boy rummaged around a bit, until his fingers brushed what he was searching for. It took another moment for him to grip it, the position of the item making it difficult for him to get a good grasp on.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS NO TIME TO BE GROPING YOURSELF!" Watanuki screeched, and Doumeki winced as it pierced his ears. The loud boy's shock hadn't lasted long. Doumeki pulled his hand out, his hand curled around the precious item, and held it up for all to see.

"IS THAT -- OH MY GOD, DID YOU JUST PULL AN EGG OUT OF YOUR PANTS?" Watanuki flailed harder, looking like he was attempting to dance while having a fit of some sort. It was really funny, and Doumeki couldn't keep from smiling a little.

"No."

"NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO, I SAW YOU --"

"I pulled it from my underpants."

Silence met his calm words. Doumeki's blank expression did not change.

As everyone blinked at this unexpected and disturbing news, Doumeki palmed the egg and took careful aim. He pulled his arm back and swung forward, letting the egg loose. His natural athleticism came in handy once again as the egg sailed straight for his target. The egg flew through the air before slamming into Sideburn Man's crotch. He doubled-over, a gasp escaping from between his lips. Doumeki nodded, satisfied.

It was about then that Watanuki gathered his wits and began to flail again, just as hard as before. Bellowing, his eyes on Doumeki, the messy-haired youth didn't watch where he was heading and smacked Sideburn Man in the head with one waving hand. Though he had realized he'd hit someone, Watanuki couldn't stop as his momentum moved him right into the enemy's space and knocked him over. Sideburn Man's head knocked against the stone steps, an ugly sound that echoed throughout the room.

There was silence once again. Everyone watched in shock as Fei Wong Reed breathed his last.

It was over.


OMAKE:

"You don't carry an egg around in your pants, you idiot! You're lucky Sakura-chan was unconscious and Himawari-chan wasn't there, or I WOULD END YOU."

Doumeki made a noise, one suspiciously like 'hn'.

"Syaoran-kun probably thinks I'm hanging around with perverts!"

"Hn."

"Can't you say more than 'hn', for once? LISTEN TO ME, YOU DOLT. I can't have people going around thinking that I know people that would keep an egg in their...their...IT'S NOT DECENT."

Bored, going deaf, and ready for them to move on, Doumeki reached up and yanked Watanuki down into his lap. He brushed his lips against the bi-colored eyed boy's, and then did so again much more firmly when said boy showed no signs of moving. Several minutes later, they stopped for air, their chests heaving. Doumeki wanted to do that again. He wanted to kiss Watanuki again, and do some other stuff. He wanted....

"Inari sushi."

"YOU BIG PILE OF --"

THE (happy) END

I seem to be fond of writing crack. And I'm in a writing mood, so there might be more postings later on.

Comments

[anyjen.livejournal.com]

Hogging first comment!

Like I said, this makes me positively howl with laughter. I bet that was something mr. asschin-sama wasn't expecting (I wasn't expecting Doumeki to use that blasted egg to throw it at the guy's crotch either. XD)

Loved everybody's reactions, and Doumeki's musings on them... and the ending was just perfect.

Are you going to post it in the doumeki/watanuki and xxholic communities? I think theyd all enjoy this shiny piece of crack... :3
(because we are all holding our breath for the end and I can't be the only one to prefer something like this to what is bound to be a rather painful sequence of events).

there is a tense shift, though...

A quick glance his way shows Watanuki turning a funny shade of red

it should be "showed", to fit the rest of the narrative. But that's just me being picky, this really was AWESOME!!

So glad you liked XD

[popkin16]

XD Hog away!

I seem to remember someone saying that Doumeki might just throw it at Asschin's head, so I didn't want to use that idea. His crotch seemed the next logical point to take him down. Doumeki wins through sheer badassery :)

Writing everybody's reactions made me giggle. Espeically Fai's, for some reason.

I was thinking of posting this, yes. As nervous as I am about posting to my journal, I'm five times more nervous about posting to communities. But I think this is funny, so...Yeah. I will. (Once the two series' end, we might need all the crack we can get).

No no, thank you for pointing that out! I wrote this in a hurry, so I really thought there'd be more mistakes. I'll edit it right now :)

[ithilas64.livejournal.com]

*laughing* Oh dear gods, only Doumeki would pull an egg from his pants like it was nothing.

[popkin16]

That was what originally prompted this piece of crack. XD Doumeki can probably handle almost anything with the same non-expression he normally has.

Thanks for reading~!

[rodickparker.livejournal.com]

LMAO! OMG! Egg in the underpants! *not coherent*

[popkin16]

It's his super-secret hiding place. Who needs pockets or bags when you have underpants?

[batty-angel.livejournal.com]

"OH MY GOD, DID YOU JUST PULL AN EGG OUT OF YOUR PANTS?"
-I think I shall love that line for a very long time XD

(I'm almost curious to wonder what else he has hidden in his underwear XD)

[popkin16]

XDD Glad you liked!

(Only Doumeki knows, and he's not telling anybody but Watanuki)

[bitsofbrits.livejournal.com]

OMG SO FUNNY. Only Doumeki could make pulling and egg from your underpants cool.

I loved the TRC groups expressions. Fai was classic with the amused "Oh my" and Kuro looks like he might pop a vein lol.

Ahhh who knew the flailing could be so handy.

Love Doumeki for stopping him with kissage. We all knew that that would be the only way to stop Watanuki mid-flail.

[popkin16]

as;kjfs;ka I'm convinced he could make anything cool.

I giggled while writing Fai's. Kuro-woo-woo is so shy! XD

I remember talking with someone about how amazing it is that Watanuki doesn't flail right into somebody ^_____^ I figured it'd be an epic way to end Asschin.

LOL Doumeki is wise in the ways of shutting Watanuki up!

Thanks for reading~

[http://users.livejournal.com/sapphirestar_/]

PFFFFFT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WROTE THIS.

... okay no, i can, because our numerous, endless cracked cracky conversations prove otherwise. BUT STILL. OMG YOU, BWAHAHAHA.

It was his best flailing yet

:DDD it's like doumeki keeps a list, somewhere, about watanuki's best and worst flailings ASD;LFJD TAP-DANCER WATANUKI OH MY GOD. AND KUROGANE. AND FAI. AND ATTEMPTING-TO-COVER-SAKURA'S-EYES SYAORAN PFFFT.

The tall boy rummaged around a bit

pffffffffft doumekiiiiii IT'S LIKE THERE'S THIS ENDLESS AMOUNT OF SPACE IN HIS PANTS, LIKE IN A HUGE BAG. but that can't be true, since, well, i can't imagine he's that small and what I SAID NOTHING.

AND SLAMMING EGGS INTO ASSCHIN!CROTCHES. it's ... sort of like an indirect kiss, y'know. it's been in doumeki's crotch, the egg, and now it's on asschin's and ohmygod ASSCHIN/DOUMEKI I AM NOT GOING THERE. THE THINGS YOU DO TO ME, MELISSA, SERIOUSLY.

butbutbut. that's exactly how things should go. i mean it. it's perfect. and that omake, too, omg, it's so ic and everything and and and. YOU COMPLETE ME.

YOU JUST. ILU ♥ :DDDDDDDDD

[popkin16]

YOUR COMMENT MADE ME LAUGH AS HARD AS WRITING THIS DID.

We are the queen of crack conversations. They're so Epic and made of Winnery. YOU INSPIRE THE LOVE OF CRACK IN ME.

He probably does~ He keeps everything about Watanuki categorized, with titles such as "Flailing", "Interesting Expressions", and "Sexy Habits That Make Me Want To Do Bad Things". AHAHAHA, IN THE ANIME WATANUKI MOVES LIKE HE'D BE A WONDERFUL DANCER. Writing Fai's reaction made me giggle, and Syaoran's reaction came to me pretty easily. Kurogane -- I wasn't sure how he'd react, so I went with something simple and so essentially Kuro-woo-woo.

THERE'S A POCKET DIMENSION IN DOUMEKI'S PANTS. ONLY WATANUKI CAN GO IN AND OUT SAFELY. Haha, I was thinking naughty. Like, "Doumeki has to adjust himself so he can actually find what he wants." I SAID NOTHING EITHER.

Oh god, indirect crotch kissing. WHUT. *smug face* OH HO HO. ONCE AGAIN I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN MY PLAN TO BREAK ESSI'S BRAIN. XDDDD. But you always get me back, you....with the INIDRECT CROTCH KISSING. That is so going into my interests, haha.

Asschin could suffer no worse of a defeat than through this method. CLAMP should totally adopt this as their ending. It's IC? REALLY? That's a major problem with me, so. WELL YOU COMPLETE ME MORE!!!!

ILU2, MY CRACK-FRIEND. *clingcling*

[theotherdenise.livejournal.com]

Genius XD

I started chuckling at Doumeki idly thought that he'd make a good tap-dancer and just got more hysterical with each paragraph. I expect I shall randomly start giggling throughout the day, or at least until one of my housemates gets me sectioned.

...More postings later on? XD

[popkin16]

R-really? *blush*

Haha, Tap-dancer Watanuki. Have you seen the anime? I imagine with tap-shoes he'd make some very interesting dances. Ahhh, you have paid me such a high compliment~ I'm so glad you liked this!

...Definitely. As they come to me, so shall I post ^___________^

[fouloldron.livejournal.com]

Made me snicker. Very Doumeki, although a part of me suspects that Haruka was behind it. XD

[popkin16]

Haruka-sexy-san was behind it all. As a young boy, Doumeki was taught the ways of egg-storage from his wise grandfather.

Since this was a success, Haruka is so proud. "That is my grandson, you know." he says all the time.

[claudaine.livejournal.com]

My sides hurt from laughing. This is some of the best crack I have ever seen.

Thanks for sharing ♥

[popkin16]

Ahhh, such high compliments! I laughed while writing it XD

Thank you for reading~!

[kurorinslvr.livejournal.com]

that was hilarious , i couldn't stop laughing

[popkin16]

Ah ha ha, I'm so glad ^_____________^

Thank you for reading!

[strawrose.livejournal.com]

PFFFFT. Is he going to pull ANOTHER thing out?

Watanuki is dangerous. Run away when he starts flailing.

[popkin16]

You never know with Doumeki. Only he and Watanuki know what he keeps in his pants.

LOL All those waving arms and erratic movements; it's difficult to predict where he's going to go. Together, he and Doumeki's deadly aim make a destructive power XD

[youkohiei-fan.livejournal.com]

XDDDDD Is it bad that I can clearly see this? Right down to Kurogane and Fai's reactions and FWR doubling over? Gods, this makes me love Douemiki even more. <33

[popkin16]

^_______________^ Your comment made me snort on air, lolol! I'm so glad you liked though. It's, um....good? You have a cracky nice imagination. Everybody's reactions came to me quite easily, except for Kuro-woo-woo's.

Doumeki = love. He's made his grandfather so proud! Thanks for reading~

(And your icon is made of so much win)

[chin-chin-kun.livejournal.com]

That was one of the most hilarious things I've ever read! Doumeki FTW!

I'm still giggly over the whole thing. Thank you for writing.

[popkin16]

I laughed while writing, but I was worried everyone else would find it too stupid to be funny. Doumeki PWNS ALL, including Asschins. Fei Wong never stood a chance~

Aww, such a nice comment!Thank you for reading!

[bunnymaccool.livejournal.com]

OMG! SO MUCH awesome!! I LOVED this!! XD *cackles* Awww... Doumeki was nesting!! XD XD

<3 <3 <3

[popkin16]

Wah, wah! A Bunny comment~ *blushblush* LOL Doumeki might take to keeping eggs in his pants just to see if Watanuki will take them out they'll hatch.

♥ Thanks so much for reading!

[youkohiei-fan.livejournal.com]

Ooh, wanted to tell you I read the other holic story. ^_^ I thought it was cute, especially Doumeki's reaction to the hug.

[popkin16]

Aww, that's so sweet! Thank you very much!! ^___________^

[ellethill.livejournal.com]

Oh my sweet lord, this was pure and wonderful crack, with HAPPY ENDINGS and the COMPLETE ANNIHILATION AND DEFEAT of ugly-sideburn-man to boot!! Loved everyone's reaction, and Doumeki's classic deadpan-ness, and the sheer greatness of the first sentence and astounded silences ^^

Sigh, what a wonderful way for me to start the morning~ <33

[popkin16]

I'm so glad you liked~! Haha, really? Nobody else has mentioned the first sentence :) This is a wonderful piece of crack, and I hope people return to it if they ever happen to get an overload of angst

Aww, thank you for the awesome compliment! ^__________^

[grass-angel.livejournal.com]

I possibly laughed even harder once I realised that even if Doumeki were a girl, he'd do exactly the same, only keep it in his bra.
Underwear, it's a pocket when you don't have one.

[popkin16]

ads;kj;asf

HE TOTALLY WOULD. That makes me want to write girl!Doumeki and male!Watanuki fic.

That quote is just...as;kfas may I borrow it for my profile?

[ceirwy.livejournal.com]

Oh gawd.... XD

It doesn't help that here at the dorm we tend to draw creepy little faces on our eggs to scare whoever opens the fridge... So now I'm cracking up over the idea that Doumeki would have an egg staring at his crotch all day long...

lovely lovely crack.

[popkin16]

^_____________________^

LOL THAT IS THE COOLEST THING EVER. And now I have a picture of Doumeki's egg having a >:DDDD face drawn on it >.< I will never look at eggs the same....

Thank you! (Your icon...it's gorgeous)

Liar! This is awesome crack! XD

[flakedice.livejournal.com]

YAAAAAAAAAAAY! EGGGGG! I'm sold on that alone, you know.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS NO TIME TO BE GROPING YOURSELF!" - Ahahahah! Classic! oh Doumeki grpe yoursefl some more. I'm a bit worried that the eg took so long to find, though ^_^; How many things does Doumeki have in his pants?

"IS THAT -- OH MY GOD, DID YOU JUST PULL AN EGG OUT OF YOUR PANTS?" - *grin* Weren't you watching closely enough, Watanuki?

"I pulled it from my underpants." - *snigger* That hiding place has occurred to me more than once XD

The egg flew through the air before slamming into Sideburn Man's crotch. He doubled-over, a gasp escaping from between his lips. Doumeki nodded, satisfied. - LOL! Go, Doumeki! Right in the balls! XD

And Watanuki killed him. Too funny! XD

and

"YOU BIG PILE OF --" - LOL! This was great! Wonderful! Don't you dare delete anything else! Give it to me if you don't like it and I'll tell you how good it it is ;D

Re: Liar! This is awesome crack! XD

[popkin16]

XD The egg is definitely a source of curiosity for 'Holic fans. I can't wait to see how things work out with it.

LOL Everyone loves it when Doumeki gripes himself. :) Well, sappirestar_ and I have decided that Doumeki has a pocket dimension in his pants. This was after we discussed the possibility that Doumeki had to *ahem* adjust himself before finding the egg, hence the digging around. sapphirestar_ actually wrote this wonderful piece of crack in a comment about a boy named Watanuki living in Doumeki's pants, with a unicorn named Himawari.

He was too busy wishing they were alone to pay close attention XD

Doumeki has wonderful aim ^_~
Teamwork! Together, not even Asschin can survive.

Lucky Poor Watanuki; that's the person he's going to spend the rest of his life with. *blushblush* Thank you! I hate how I write xxxHolic characters (they always come out somewhat OOC), so I generally don't write for the series. But your comment made me very happy!

[nonoji.livejournal.com]

NJKSDNVJKSDFNGJFRBVNMNGDFBMNHGJBNFJKG NKBKJFGNHJGNHGNGK
FJBNHJTBNJTNFBJKFNBJGKNTNJTYHNKJYTHYJHYJI

*goes on forever*

*breathes, or tries to*

YOU'VE UNTANGLED THE MESS OF MINDFUCKERY THAT IS TRC/HOLIC! THANK YOU. NOW I UNDERSTAND. SORT OF.

And it reminded me of Luffy's octopus. Which is always good.

ps i'm adding you~

[popkin16]

I'm extremely happy you enjoyed this! I laughed while writing, and it's a relief to know that others find similar things humorous. XD

I DID MY BEST TO UNTANGLE THE MESS THAT IS THOSE TWO SERIES. SERIOUSY CLAMP, HOW COMPLICATED DO YOU NEED TO MAKE IT? D: D:

a;sk;s LOL He pulls it out of his pants, and Usopp's all, ":-O"

Awesome! I'm sorry I wasn't talking much toward the end. MSN didn't want to let me know when you wrote T_T